How do you catch a unique rabbit?  "Unique" up on it.  How do you catch a tame rabbit?  "Tame" way.
What do you call a defective boomerang?  A stick.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?  No idear.
How do you call a dog with no legs?  Does not matter-- he cannot come to you anyway.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?  Take him out for a drag.
Why does Tigger smell bad?  He is always playing with Pooh.
What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common?  Same middle name.
What do you call a missing parrot?  A polygon.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track?  Three pieces of alligator.
Who is green and sings?  Elvis Parsley.
You know how to make gold soup?  Add 24 carrots.
What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?  Anyone can roast beef.
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We do not serve vegetables!"  The mushroom responds, "But I am a fun guy!"
What do you call a cow who has lost a child?  Decaffeinated.
What do you call a cow with no legs?  Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?  Lean beef.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk?  A milk dud,or an udder failure.
You hear about Bill the cannibal?  Relatively ordinary guy, had a house, a wife, ate children.
Why do cannibals not eat clowns?  They taste funny.
So a neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?  Claustrophobic.
What kind of pants do storm clouds wear?  Thunderware.
Why did the bacon laugh?  Because the egg cracked a yolk.
Why did the doughnut seller retire?  Because he was afraid of the hole business.
What is the best thing about poisonous snakes?  They have got poisonality.
What did the baby computer call its father?  Data.
How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?  They cannot do it; it is a hardware problem.
Why did Aurora University ban scissors?  To keep students from cutting class.
What do lemons drink when they get sick?  A lemon aide.
What has happened when music starts coming out of the printer?  It is jamming again.
Why is a mushroom always invited to parties?  He is a fun guy.
So, what seems odd?   Numbers that are not evenly divisible by 2.
So, how many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Only one, but the lightbulb needs to want to change.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?  Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the floor?  Matt.
What do you call a seagull that flies over a bay?  A bay gull.
What did the pony say when he had a sore throat?  Sorry, I am a little horse.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left for college?  Bison.
What does a sub-atomic duck say?  Quirk.
What do you call a number that wanders?  Roman Numeral.
Why did the scientist put a door knocker on his door?  He wanted a No Bell prize.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?  Because they keep their eyes pealed.
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?  He gave her a ring.
What did the admiral say to his girlfriend?  I war ship you.
Why did the rabbit fall?  No bunny knows.
Why should you never play poker with the worlds fastest animal?  Because he is a cheetah.
Why do people never eat clocks?  It is too time consuming.
Why was the sand on a beach wet?  Because the sea weed.
Did you hear the pizza joke?  Never mind, it is too cheezy.
If you are Russian when you enter the bathroom and Finnish when you leave, what are you when in the bathroom?  European.
So past, present, and future walk into a bar.  What does the bartender say?  "Too tense."  OR "it is about time."
What do you call a muddy chicken that crosses the road twice?  "A dirty double-crosser."
Why did the pig wear tap dance shoes on the fourth of July?  Because it was in the pen dance day.
Two melons want run away to Las Vegas and get married.  What does the father melon say?   "Can't Elope"
What do you call a young dumb mathematical sheep?  Lamb Daah
What does an angry French hockey player do when there is a warm winter?  La Cross.
What do you call eight Hobbits?  A Hob Byte.
Why do programmers like Java more than other programming languages?  Cause they cannot C sharp.
What do you say to two numbers that are going away?  Binomials
Why could the letter O never get to where it was going?  Because it was stuck in a loop.
What do you call deteriorating fish poop sitting in mud?  (same thing as everyone calls me) ... Dirty rotten bass turd.
What do you call a previous days poop?  Yes! Turd Day.
What do you call the day when you pooped on a chair that you were sitting on?  Sat Turd Day.
What do you call an eastern European friend that plays chess?  Checkmate.
What are all pirate movies rated? ARRRRRR
What do you call a small cute door?  Adorable.
I have been reading a book about anti-gravity.  It is impossible to put down.
I used to be the smartest computer guy ever.  Then, I lost my drive.
Why did the horse always come across so negatively?  He was a nay sayer.
When is a door not a door?  When it is a jar.
What do you call shoes made of bananas?  Slippers.  The shoes were not appealing.
So you dance in front of your class with your hands wide open. What are you asking for?  A Ten Dance.
Why did the man become an Archaeologist?  Because his career was in ruins.
What do you call a versatile mountain goat?  Dynamic Ram.
Who is the best resistance detector? Sherlock Ohms
What did the acorn say when it grew up?  Gee, I'm a tree.
What do grumpy people eat on their birthday?  Crab cake.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?  They cannot do it; it is a hardware problem.
What do you call a large, yellow, goofy vehicle that makes plans for students?  A silly bus.
What do you call a family that is sleeping during the day?  A Nap Kin.
Why are coffee beans such trouble makers?  They always end up in hot water.
What do you call an arrogant criminal when he walks down stairs?  A condescending con descending.
What did the cat on the smart phone say?  Can you hear meow?
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?  A rebel without a clause.
Why do Nor wee gin battle ships have barcodes on them?  They need to scan da navy in.
Where do sled drivers keep all of their huskies?  In the mush room.
So why did Waldo always wear striped shirts?  Because he didn't want to get spotted.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce?  Make a seizure salad.
What do get when you cross a fish with a self-learning program?  are tee fish all intelligence.
What does a pirate say to his friend after he just turned 80?  Hi Matey.
Why do most programmers do better in the morning?  They have Java.
What do you call a man who sits down and tries to teach topics that everybody knows?  Chair Man of the Bored.
What did the necktie say to the hat?  You go on a head; I will hang around.
What do you call a funny criminal with a cold named Ted?  Con Jest Ted.
What do you call illegal guys going to a doctor?  Con ste patients.
What do you call an average golfer who likes pizza?  Par Cheezy.
What do you call it when you have to pee with a friend in the same country?  Urine nation is my nation.
What did the under score say about tomorrow?  Tilda next day.
A limbo dancer walks into a bar. He was disqualified. 
What do you call a criminal feline in a country?  Concatenation.
Why was the math professor such a good dancer?  She had algorithm.
What do you say to pee after you flush it?  You're in.
What do you call the day the pig had no legs?  Ground hog's day.
Parallel lines have so much in common.  It is a shame that they will never meet!
What do you call a complete round fish?  O Fish All.
What do you call it when you speak poorly, and the government charges you for it?  Sin Tax
What do you call it when you cross a poodle with a cow?  A Moodle.
What do you call it when you put an iPhone, an iPad, and a Macintosh in a blender?  Apple Sauce.
What do you call little bugs on a parrot who is a Senator?  Polly Ticks.
What do you call a sick eagle who breaks the law?  Ill Eagle.
Where does a happy criminal sleep when he is outside?  In his Con Tent.  When the criminal is unhappy? In his Dis Con Tent.
What do you call a parrot that can contain a capsule?  Polly More.
What do you call it when one object is joined to another object and wrapped helically around on an inclined plane? Screwed.
What do you call people waiting in line for a barber shop?  A Barber Queue.
Why can't you tell a kleptomaniac a bad joke?  Because they always take things.  Literally.
Where do the smartest parrots live?  In the Brain Forest.
Why aren't French Fries made in France?  Because they are made in grease.
How does an ocean say hello?  It waves.
Have you heard the joke about butter?  Never mind, it spreads too much.
When you cannot remember the name of an item, what do you call it?  it.
Where does Dracula keep his money?  In the blood bank.
What do you call a vehicle named Dee that talks too much?  Car Dee Yack.
What do you call a bear without teeth?  Gummy Bear.
What do you call a loving Italian bug who bites you?  Roman Tick.
What do you call the most important aunt who likes red wine?  Key Auntie.
What do you call a deteriorating Raspberry Pi who says "Harrr?"  A Pi Rot.
What do you call green campers?  Brussel Scouts.
What do you take with a burning butt?  Ass Burn.
What do you say to your female dog when she pees?  You Bitch, you are pissed off.
How do you get rid of poop?  You Flush Shit!
What do you call it when a mouse poops yellow?  Mouse Turd.
What do you call a friend where you go?  Oh me go. (amigo)
What drink never lies?  Honest Tea.
What is the most secure drink?  Secure a Tea.
What is the oldest drink?  Senior a Tea.
What are the four most liberal drinks?  Libber Tea. Liberty Liberty Liberty.
What do you need if you have two boats or sick and need two doctors?  A paradox.
Who is the hottest knight at the round table?  Sir Racha.
Who were the roundest knights at the round table? Sir Round, Sir Cull, and Circumference. Who describes the round knights?  Circulate.
Who was the most observant knight at the round table?  Surveillance.
Which knight at the round table liked beer?  Sir Vay Saa.
Which knight at the round table had a situation?  Sir come stance.
Who was the meatiest knight at the round table?  Sir loin.
Who was the best drinking doctor at the round table?  Sir Gin.
What knight had the prettiest face at the round table?  Sir face.
Who was the last knight at the round table? Sir Ender.
Which knight at the round table got an award?  Sir Prize.
Which knight had some liver problems?  Sir Osis.
Who was the most intense knight at the round table?  Sir Vere.
Which knight at the round table taxed too many people?  Sir Tax.
Which knight at the round table allowed people to get through a gate?  Sir Pass.
Which knight at the round table had the most wet hair?  Sir Fur.
Which knight at the round table was the most truthful person?  Sir Real.
Which knight at the round table swore the most?  Sir Cuss.
Which knight at the round table had the electrical knife?  Sir Cut.
Which electrical knight at the round table was the most expensive?  Sir Charge.
Who was the sharpest knight at the round table?  Syringe.
Which knight at the round table helped prosecuting doctors?  Sir Jury.
Who was the sweetest knight at the round table?  Sir Up.
Which knight at the round table was the most self assured?   Sir Tan Ty. (Certainty)
What did they say to me when I got pissed off in France?  You're a pee in. (European)
How do you count this cheaper? This count. (discount)